The Practicality of Relying on Others for Happiness - A blog on recent loss of love

Oct 4, 2020

7 min read

This is a tough one. So as you know, I am Lucy and about a week ago you could ask me "Would you consider yourself a happy person?" and I would without any doubt answer "Yes!". My life is great, I've surrounded myself with people I love and care about and I valued the smallest things in life which make me happy. But over the course of these last few days I have questioned my happiness.

You may have noticed in some of my other blogs that I have a boyfriend, well let's just change the "have" to a "had". In my first ever blog I stated "I like to think of my life as a pack of Jaffa Cakes; it's so good but times end so quickly and unexpectedly" and this is how I now view my relationship with a guy I fell for. I won't go into too much detail about why he broke up with me but factors including distance and a seek for meeting new people were involved. If you asked me this time last week if I ever thought that I would be in my room writing a blog about the end of my relationship I would never had believed you.

I had a lot of hope for my relationship with this boy but he wanted different things when I just wanted him. The thought that I was in my room wearing his jumper and filling a scrapbook of all our memories whilst he was in a completely different mindset is shattering. Sometimes people just need a few days and an experience to realise that they just were not made to make you happy. So yes he did leave me for very personal reasons but I am trying my hardest to understand the situation from his perspective. Personally, I would like to remain friends so that I do not regret our relationship however on the other end he does not want to contact me in any sort of form. It sucks. It feels like the boy I fell in love with has completely disappeared. I am very upset of what happened because I know it would never have happened if the roles were reversed and the facing factors were the same. But i am glad it happened. When you fall in love with someone you want what is best for them, and even though it was not me I am trying to be happy for him.

So why does this suck for me huh? He picked a great situation for his grieving process. He is now in university surrounded by distractions and new people so he does not really have the time to think about what we were as he is likely focused on fitting in and meeting new people. Unfortunately, I am stuck in my home town. We went everywhere together, so everything reminds me of him or memories we shared. I've sat in my room every night just wondering what went wrong and then I just cry. I go to sleep every night hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare but no, I have lost my boy. From my point of view there were no problems in our relationship so when I got that "We need to talk" message I felt completely blindsided and crushed.

I have not been sad in a while so frankly I had no idea how to handle everything. But I am so lucky, the amount of support I have received is unreal. I have never loved my friends so much, they've been distracting me and they also bought me lovely presents with a note that I will treasure forever. My family have also been keeping an eye out on their daughter and my sister Facetimes me continuously to check in on me. Other individuals, who I thought would not care have provided an enormous amount of support, they've been helping me talk about the way I feel and they listen to every word I have to say. These people are the ones who have made me realise that people do care about you and what you go through. Most of the time it is cathartic to talk to someone completely new about your life, so maybe if you're ever sad you should give it a go.

If you read my blog on fears you would know my two main fear are failure and loss. Our relationship failed which is a real bummer. I have lost a lot. In the blog I stated "I am also afraid of losing the people I love, in a sense where it is my fault for their loss" and "my every now and again nightmares of my boyfriend not loving me. Your feelings for someone can change overnight or even in one conversation. The thought that he could feel this way scares the living daylights out of me! Commitment is easy but sometimes loss is easier. And i fear the loss of him not being in my life", quite ironic now come to think of it. But for some, commitment is hard and "living while you're young" is easier and more important to your happiness and the theory of living life without any regrets, I just wish it did not have to go this way, but I value his happiness over mine.

So that is the backstory to as why I am writing this blog. The main topic I want to talk about is happiness. I relied on that guy for so much happiness in my life that when he left me I was scared I would never be happy again, but everyone has told me that it will get better with time and focusing a little bit more on myself and discovering what makes me happy will go a long way with my mental mindset.

Unfortunately, I have experienced a minor physical effect due to the heartbreak. As disgusting as it sounds I go sick after the majority of things I eat so now my belly doesn't bloat, but I liked the bloat. Eating the right amount of food is a struggle but when I searched it up the 'experts' stated that eating a little more each day will help my body process food in a healthier manner. I also get tired by 8pm so my sleeping pattern is quite irregular and I wake up around every 2 hours. My self respect and how I view my self worth has decreased significantly because I keep asking the question "What did I do wrong?" and "What could I have done to make him love me so much that he would never do this to me?". I keep blaming myself when it felt like he was the one who decided that I was not enough, but that is not the case. No one is to blame, we all want happiness at the end of the day and he provided me with a year worth of happiness which I am so grateful for and will cherish forever.

However, not being enough for someone feels incredibly painful when all you want to be is enough for that one particular person. Personally, I could not give a damn about what the majority of people think of me but certain people trigger me. You get into this never ending self-evaluation on which flaws you think led you to this. The truth is whenever a relationship fails, both ends of the string are the reasons for the snap and so I can't blame him, I can't hate him.

To me, love means wishing happiness on somebody despite their actions, their reputation and their mistakes. I believe that once you love someone you will never stop even if they break you. I relied heavily on this boy for happiness; he made me incredibly happy but his happiness was yet to be discovered elsewhere of our relationship. He knew that if he didn't end it now it would be harder in the long run, and I respect that he was looking out for his feelings. We never said goodbye, we just said "see you later". Forgiving and forgetting is the best medicine for any salt in a relationship. Holding a grudge or placing hatred on others will lead you to a never-ending path of anger and struggle in trust. People appreciate it when you just think "What can I do or say to make this person happy?", a valuable lesson I have learnt through out many of my relationships. Even though someone may have brought you so much pain, doubt and struggle, the feelings will carry on unless you understand that staying civil and looking back on your relationship was a positive and meaningful journey of your life.

I regret remaining quiet in other relationships when all I wanted to do was talk it out so I forced this guy to talk to me and boy I am glad I did. I now just want what is best for him, I was angry and sad but now I am proud that he is owning himself and his happiness, he has so much potential so why should I spoil that for him? Love means wishing happiness on somebody despite their actions, their reputation and their mistakes. Second chances are always there in life so what's the point feeling eternal regret when you can just be happy?

Moral of the blog, sometimes aspects of life turn south, it is up to you to deal with it in the best way for you. At the end of the day you are the one who should be happy in your story. Trying to make others happy is what makes me happy, I do not always fulfil this goal but at times like these I try my hardest to show others that they're actions are fate and that eventually we will all find true happiness.

So I started this blog as a reflection of my happy life. Let's flip the switch and make it a blog on how I am venturing on owning happiness.